Sharing the Mental Load - Collaboration is Key
If you are part of a couple, have you ever considered who the Project Manager is in your relationship. Project Manager? Well, you know. The one who realises that you need milk and eggs and puts it up on the shopping list. The one who creates the shopping list. The one who even thinks to have a shopping list because it makes it more likely that you will stick to your budget. The one who created the budget. The one who thought to have a budget. I could go on but I'm pretty sure that you know what I mean.
The role of Project Manager within a household most definitely exists and if you are a woman, statistically, you are very likely fulfilling this role whether you wanted it or not. Thing is, this 'worry work' or 'mental load' is invisible work because it is not the actual carrying out of the household task (although you may do that as well) but the thinking it, remembering it and overseeing it. Invisible often means unrewarded and from my experience both as a wife and mother and from coaching many women, I know that this work is mentally exhausting. And let’s be honest, it’s also really hard, even if you are any good at it which you might not be. We have all dropped the ball at some time and many times berate ourselves for forgetting that dentist appointment, not realising that we were out of ham for our son’s school lunch or missing our Aunt’s birthday.
I’m sure that many of you know exactly what I mean. So here are a few tips to start transitioning the full-time role of Project Manager to a job-share.
1. Prepare yourself to let go. You say you want to rid yourself of the mental load but do you really? Because, if you do, you must be ready to let go of the control around certain aspects of your daily life. So you want your partner to be responsible for your daughter’s bath time every other day. Okay, well you will need to accept that he may not manage the routine exactly as you would. And you have to be ready to let go of the thinking and worrying surrounding it because if you don’t, you are still carrying the mental load. It won’t be easy, but over time, if the boundaries are very clearly set, it will become easier.
2. Plan in detail. In collaboration with your partner, write down every single task that needs to be done for the household for the next two weeks. And then you will need to really think that task through. So, for example, when you write - put the bins out, do you actually mean, take the blue bin out every other Thursday and the garden waste on the third Thursday of every month etc. etc. You will then need to group those separate tasks into ‘responsibilities’ e.g. the responsibility of managing bin collection. You then need to assign the owner of this responsibility so X has responsibility for everything to do with bin collection. Organise all of your tasks into groups of tasks which will amount to a responsibility. When you give someone responsibility, you give them the mental load, not just the task. That is how you collaborate and you should aim to do this exercise every two weeks.
3. Do not play the martyr. Assuming you and your partner are willing participants at this stage, remember that over time, it will be easy to settle back into taking on more of the mental load as challenges come up. Of course, events may happen that need a change of plan but in my experience, sharing the mental load only works if both parties keep the other accountable. Agree at the outset how you will both approach matters if the ball gets dropped once or consistently.
If all of this makes you sigh and think “It will be easier to just project manage everything myself”, please remember that it really will not be over time. The mental load is a major contributor to the increasingly levels of burnout that we see in women and as women, we need to be comfortable in saying “I need help and I deserve help.” Collaborate with your partner. Sharing the mental load is a vital step to achieve gender equality at home and in the workplace.